Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Saturday Night Entertainment Hits A New Low: An Unusually Review-led Article Based on Abhorrations of the Game Show Variety

The general public are largely looked upon as idiots by those pretentious enough to call themselves "above" the mooing mob. People who stand at bus stops, people who buy televisions, people who queue up in supermarkets, even people who walk down pavements, sometimes it's nice to believe that they're all complete dimwits with a boring job and a slightly unsatisfactory life that they don't even realise is unsatisfactory because they're too STUPID. DUUURR! What a bunch of dum dums! Look at them with their faces and their pints and their iPods. Bloody imbeciles.

Of course, this is a completely ridiculous way to view the world. Sure, I hate people, I never deny this fact to anybody, but I like to think I have good reason to do so. I have many an undiagnosed deep-rooted psychological impairment/extra chromosome/general unwarranted feeling of superiority, but so far my doctor has refused to believe me. Her exasperated sighs are becoming irritating. "You have not got Alzhiemer's, Katie" she says, showing me the door. "Other people are uncomfortable in social situations too, I swear that you are not Autistic." I'll show her. One day she'll find a massive tumour in my brain, then who's the paranoid hypochondriac? So, when I say I dislike people, I'm not dismissing them all as floating plebs in a scummy puddle of earthly disappointment. A lot of people are fun, or challenging, or even better, a lot like me. The worst type of person however, is one I haven't discussed properly yet. The type of person that despite all their faults and intensely annoying nuances still believes that they are fantabulous, and the rest of the population are total and utter sludgebrains. This is not me, please don't make that correlation.

The obsessively self-loving type of person was once described to me by an old friend as having a special sort of superiority problem, known only to them, and now you, as the "Entitlement Complex". There are clearly two groups of these types of people at work against each other over on channel 5. (or "5" as it likes to be known, as "Channel 5" brings to mind terrible foreign soaps and tasteful documentaries with "sex", "tits" or "megaviolence" in the title. Deleting the "channel" has succeeded only in reminding us that "5 US" exists, and makes us less likely to watch our own version of the channel.) I am no fan of game shows, and I never have been, ever since the death of Big Break on the BBC. I was too young to know how awful Jim Davidson really is. But over on "5", some trumpeting TV execs have come up with a format so ultimately flabbergasting it breaks new ground in how self-congratulating a person can be. Heads or Tails. It sounds exactly like something from TV Go Home. In fact, it was almost a third forseen by Charlie Brooker himself, during his descriptions of Deal or No Deal. The makers of Heads or Tails obviously saw this comparison and thought "wow, what a fan-TASTIC idea! Let's do it!" I'm not sure you need an explanation on the intricate workings of Heads or Tails, but basically members of the public (the Entitlement Complex type, who often feel they have been blessed with some sort of psychic power) stand at a suitably flashing podium in a futuristic but economical set, and decide whether the coin that JLC (Yes - that's Justin Lee Collins, the man-lion-arse who brought the Bristolian Accent into the forefront of Comedy Gold, when it clearly should have been Steven Merchant) has tossed in front of them has landed on heads or tails. Yes, you are watching Justin lee Collins toss on telly, and you are watching people get very excited about it. And this is a real TV show, remember. I had to keep pinching myself to see if I hadn't gone into some sort of medicated dreamworld. We are entering 2010, a year of LASER BEAMS and BLUE RAY and GEISHA ROBOTS. If the 80s could see us now, with our pitiful Christmas TV schedule and our inability to use touchscreen technology properly, if they could see that we still watched both Crocodile Dundee 1 and 2 this week despite having a world of entertainment at our disposal, if they could see that we were sat in front of our HD ready digital 44 inch LED telly watching a hairy man flip a coin, they wouldn't bother to end the cold war.

I know I bloody wouldn't. Would you? What a fucking disappointment. The Millennium was meant to be a time and a land far removed from anything we'd ever seen before. Will Smith even wrote a song about it. We were that excited. Instead, we have global warming, recession, Rabbit Chat TV, animal extinction, deadly viruses and Heads or Chuffing Tails. Happy New Year, ffs.

3 comments:

TheUnwashedMass said...

A gameshow about coin tossing? The future is now. I'm so glad I haven't seen this.

the_man_in_the_middle said...

While soaking up the 28 degrees of sun on my 5* all inclusive winter sun holiday this year, my beach book was JLCs autobiography. A good portion of it describes his bed-wetting ridden journey into man-hood - first porno, first wank, first kiss, first boob etc...

There's a great story about how when he was about 11 his Dad took him to Disney Land. The TV had the Playboy channel on and while his Dad was out of the room he'd flick it on and run back and forth to the door checking for his Dad. When he saw his Dad coming back he ran over to the TV and over zealously turned the knob and it came off in his hand. There's a great line, which sounded extra funny with my Bristolian inner monologue reading it out...

'So there I was, my Dad about to enter the room, a porno on the TV, knob in hand.'

the_man_in_the_middle said...

Hi Katie, you're blog is doing well, up to PR3 now.

I've just started one called Charlie Bit Me Basically, I read an article on the bbc website that explain that the .me domain is the fastest selling. After doing a quick search on the google trend/keyword tool and on the who.is I was very pleased to find that the 2nd most lucrative domain (in my mind at least) was still available http://charliebit.me. Basically Charlie bit me is a huge internet phenomenon and has 5.5m exact match searches per month (!). If I can get my domain on the first page that's 6m hits a year...

Basically, I was wondering if you'd blog roll me, write a blog tell a blogger etc.

I promise any help will be much appreciated...

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