Wednesday, 26 May 2010

LibCon Lifestyles, and the preferred method of Hara-Kiri

The ushering in of a new double-edged parliament has been met mostly by derision from more upper class sorts. Of course, absolutely loads of regular people hate the idea of David Cameron having some semblance of power, but mostly now that the general election has passed, making way for the Eurovision Song Contest (oh yes, it's back, baby) and the World Cup, people have mostly began to get back on with whatever it was they were doing. The election's anti-climax has made it seem like a forgotten trip to the kitchen. Why am I here? What was going on? Oh well, I might as well put the kettle on.

Now, with the Liberal Democrats helping out whenever corners need holding down or bowls need licking, the country should be happily balanced. We've got neo-fascism covered, but we've also got greenhouse gases and student fees covered too. Instead, what seems to have occurred is a strange twilight world where ageing relatives claim David Cameron would be a nice son-in-law, and Nick Clegg is seen as the saviour of the universe, the economy and the Galapagos Islands. Obviously both of these things are obscenely exaggerated - David Cameron as a son in law would involve the family having to become accustomed to his cyborg endo-skeleton and his occasional lazer-shooting indigestion fits, and having a great relationship with your kids can't really do much for the Brazilian rainforest. The excitement has passed, and the world is getting on with its life. If anything, the contrast between parties and the mess of the country in general has given people even more to complain about than usual, which in British terms, can only be a good thing.

The LibCon government (so called in a Su-Bo, J-Lo, Brangelina way so us plebs can easily recall and repeat it) has not just brought a very-similar-but-slightly-different cabinet full of suits to the table though. Oh no. Read any lifestyle magazine article on the subject and you'll be surprisingly enlightened to find that Dick (again, shortened for plebs) has ushered in a new fashion - nay - a new way of life, for those living above a certain income bracket. The name of this hellish existence? Oh, Lib-Con of course. It might be a new lifestyle, but it certainly isn't anything approaching unique.

The Lib-Con life, as outlined in this article for the Times, involves a lot of chinos and striped long-sleeved t-shirts. It requires an aspiration to own chickens and a vegetable plot, and a need to repress memories of an exclusive education at a private school. To be a true Lib-Con live-in, you need to have kids called Charlie and Lily, an awareness in conservationism and energy saving, but not necessarily a keen interest in either of these things (after all, where you live there are so many potholes a simple two wheel drive just won't cut it, and besides, "Mix blue and yellow and you get a murky green, so Cleggerons have a water butt, not a water feature. Composting is a must, and solar panels would be, too, if they didn’t cost the earth.") Whenever possible, a Lib-Con should cycle everywhere, on a contraption that allows Charlie/Lily to be hauled along, attached to some circus-like contraption involving faux-home welding that actually cost quite a lot of money from an independent bike shop in the nearest town, ideally with a huge flag poking out of the back to remind other drivers how great you are for pedalling like a Victorian. Perhaps a sticker on the back of your helmet too, with the evolution fish on, despite your hidden deep-rooted fears that perhaps you should be believing in God after all. All your friends have denounced religion at the moment though, in favour of thinking more about allotments and dry-stone walling, and so you've decided to join that particular faction (for now).
[coming soon, to a tandem near you]

Perhaps the most startling of all the statements made in this frankly desolate view of the future was the introduction paragraph. The broad sweep of discomfort knocking you off your feet and forcing your heart to drop into your spleen.

"If you’re of a certain age — more than 35, far from 50 — you may feel the same. You may have young children and the mild possibility of a pregnancy yet to come, or older kids glued to MSN and Jack Wills. Think about it. Trampoline in the garden? Ecover washing-up liquid by the sink? Planning a holiday in a yurt?
It’s entirely possible that you’re a Cleggeron too."

MSN? JACK FUCKING WILLS? Yes, of course, older kids using MSN is a new phenomenon, exploited only by those with middle-class mini-mansions in the pseudo-countryside. Apart from every single child having used it in this country, this might be true. Jack Wills though? Jack Wills? Give your children some credit. Just because you like to live a life filled with huge reclaimed ceramic sinks and Fat Face fleece jumpers, doesn't mean that you can dress your kids up like total pricks. If you need any evidence of how awful the Jack Wills scene is among the offspring of the semi-elite, just take a trip to Harrogate, or your nearest well-to-do spa town. Jumpers tied around shoulders, turned up polo shirt collars, deck shoes - and this is just the curly-haired Arian boys of grammar school we're talking about. The girls have baggy-yet-expensive hoodies and denim skirts, resembling scruffiness, but with an air of the designer, tanned legs showing the world that despite the recession, she spent her winter on a beach "somewhere bijou". I will not link to Jack Wills, but should you need to do further research, I suggest you also try Joe Browns and Fat Face. Bought in excess, these clothes can bring about the same effect - "I like having lots of expensive outdoor fun doing healthy exercise and generally eating fruit as snacks."

Also, we should all resent having Ecover and therefore any small act of environment-saving looked at as exclusively middle-class. I don't think anybody has said it better than Mr Andrew Hoolachan, who commented on the original Times article.

'You missed out:
"We need lifestyle columns to validate our lifestyle choices and mask our deep-rooted insecurities"'



HaroldM22 said...
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韋于倫成 said...


1. 4.
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