Sunday, 10 July 2011

Shinybiscuit's Summer Style Tips

It's the middle bit of the year when everything's a bit warmer but it should be hotter than this, and when it is hot it's worryingly hot because it should be colder, so naturally there is a need for different fashions and whatnot. Being the style icon that I am - wearer of the timeless jeans-and-tshirt-combo for nearly 24 years now - I have decided to share with you some of my tips to keep BANG ON TREND. BANG.





Clothes are really good, because they stop branches and nettles from scratching and itching you, and they also give you something to talk about at parties when you don't really care what the other person is saying. There are two types of clothes - tops and bottoms. Generally it's nice to make sure these don't match, otherwise you end up looking like one of those 'what-paint-shall-I-buy' bookmarks, but really it's up to you. It doesn't really matter at the end of the day. I like to adorn my body coverings with an assortment of cat hairs and accidental torn holes, for an authentic just-got-off-the-megabus look. When the weather is warmer you don't have to wear a jumper or a jacket, so that T-shirt you bought for £25 even though you really shouldn't can get a really good airing. That's one of the main reasons summer is the best.


Generally, it's advisable to wear shoes that enable you to walk distances in, given that this is their only job. Some shoes are nicer than other shoes, but really it's a matter of taste. I tend to favour the "scruffy too-old-to-wear-skate-trainers" trainer, because I feel that running trainers are the ugliest things ever created by man (including sea mines and Pete Burns) and should not be worn outside of their sporting territories. High-heeled shoes are obviously mental, but they look quite nice, so I'd suggest wearing these at special occasions where walking isn't really necessary, like meals or watching the new series of Curb (!!!!!!!!!!) Flip flops should only ever be worn on beaches, on holiday or when it is 30+ degrees outside. If you are wearing flip flops and a cardigan (or an umbrella, as somebody wisely pointed out) you are doing it wrong.


Summer is an excellent time for sad things to happen, because you can blame red crying eyes on hayfever. "Oh that bloody tree pollen!" you can shout, safe in the knowledge that people will leave you alone and offer you anti-histamines instead of prodding you to talk about things. You are also able to cover up your eyes with sunglasses, which are my favourite accessories because they can make you look like Rose West or the Chanel lady.


Get rosy cheeks by smiling and laughing a lot. Videos and pictures of funny things will help this along - and if you end up crying from laughing too much, you can use the tips for eyes to avert any unwanted attention.


Lipsticks are fun, but they only last for 3.6 minutes before needing to be re-applied, so make sure you do all your partying or meeting and greeting in this window of time. Re-applying gives you another 3.6 minutes, but it never looks quite as good as when you put it on the first time, so I'd advise either just using lip balm which you can't see anyway, or just not bothering because they are only lips.


Summer can be a difficult time for hair. My hair likes to do impressions of David Bellamy when it's a bit humid outside, and this isn't ideal. Doing your hair up in a one-bobble bun and ignoring it for the rest of the day takes care of unwanted Head Topiary Effects, while also freeing up loads of mirror time to worry about why eyebrows exist. Keeping your hair down is a risky choice, and although i wouldn't advice it, I wish you all the best with it.


Bite them. Don't bite them. Paint them different colours or pretend they don't exist. I was once told by a man I know that he has never once looked at anybody's nails. While this might be a bit of an exaggeration, it might be true, and that means if you want to make them look nice, do it for yourself. In fact, use that advice for all of the things above. Summer is not a great time for gloves, which is a shame as I quite like them.

If you have any more tips, please feel free to add them.

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