Monday, 26 September 2011

Music Reviews (again)

I may have mentioned this before, but I don't like music reviews. I don't like the idea of somebody telling me what a song sounds like when I haven't heard it, and I don't like the increasingly ridiculous ways in which music journalists employ hyperbole and surrealism in an effort to make their review original. They wouldn't have to do this if music reviews weren't pretty much redundant - surely if you were writing something worthwhile, there'd be enough to say without padding the whole bloody thing out with emphatic error-strewn metaphors and near-audible sighs of exasperation/deep passionate longing. If you simply must review a track, can we not stick to actual descriptions that make sense? Can we please perhaps mention the instrumentation, the general sound and ambiance? Instead of talking about the sky or bin lorries, or robots from space, or other totally unrelated information?

In retaliation to some frankly absurd efforts I've read recently on a trip to Kettering while at a work conference (the only excuse I deem good enough to actually buy and read a music magazine), I've decided to claw back some sanity by making fun of them. It's what all the best people do. So here are some utterly ludicrous fake reviews I've made up for songs I actually like and would love you to listen to. Kill two birds with one stone, shall we?

Anders Ilar - Moon Over Hillside

A celestial wash of sparkling fragments fill the air, as this intensely serene exploration of the true depths of ambient techno swoops and glides over a reverberating bassline. A study in astrological electronica, Ilar creates a soundscape filled with twilight mystery from a country half-immersed in mythology and midnight sun.

Dub Phizix - Rainy City Music

A childlike scattering of percussive sounds and warm synths moves softly aside for a comforting bass drop, somewhat reminiscent of a duvet with a cat on. The sounds of a torrential winter's downpour can almost be heard through the curtainous veils of warm indoor sounds, a definite cold day classic.

Rido - Poison

A robotic vulture circles above the parched red terrain of Mars, another flaps it's haggard wings over the skeleton of a fallen animal. It is the year 3490. Over the horizon, huge clouds of dust are gathering - it's the return of the Marshalls, the protectors of the solar system, galloping on android horseback towards the citadel. Evil futuristic wild-west DnB. 8/10.

(I quite like this last one.)

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