Monday, 21 November 2011

The Only Person In The World Who Doesn't Like Jaffa Cakes

That would be me. The only person in the world who doesn't like Jaffa Cakes. It is lonely being me.

It wasn't always this way - there was a time when I loved them. I'd eat the chocolate first and then remove the orange jelly disc from the sponge cake base and marvel at it. A wobbly sunset. Then I'd eat it, obviously. I'm not a total weirdo.

The thing is, my family got wind of this propensity towards orangey treats. The gifts began. I have never been a very easy person to buy presents for, so when my family and friends see a theme, they grab it with both hands. I don't blame them, I'm a dick to buy stuff for unless you let me make an Amazon list (why won't you let me do that?) My birthday is not very long after Christmas, but it is just far enough away for me to receive two separate presents which I love. The downside to this is the amount of food I have to consume. Yes, have to consume. You can't let it go to waste.

Dickheads.

I always receive selection boxes at Christmas, because I love all that tacky shit. I also always get Chocolate Oranges - again, LOVE. Then one fateful day, the whole world found out about my love for Jaffa Cakes and my Toblerones were replaced with tube after tube of the circular cakey horrors, filling me up with not-enough-chocolate; overstimulating my orange receptors. After three years of this madness I could take no more. However, it takes a lot longer for news of me not liking something to trickle down through the family ranks. Think of it like wealth in society. The groups furthest away from my central base (Mum, Sisters, Dog) had no knowledge of my new-found hatred for dry, orange-flavoured cakes. Some of them still send me boxes of the things. "We know you love them!" They say, their happy smiling faces saying "Oh, she's so good for only asking for Jaffa Cakes and not a Wii Fit". I can't tell them now. Anyway, it's just a box of Jaffa Cakes. How much harm is letting them buy them for you going to do? None.

But still they come. Year after year, tubes of them are delivered to your nasty, ungrateful bastard arms and you try to think of excuses. "I'm lactose intolerant!", "I can't digest gelatine!", "My friend was killed by a man dressed as an orange!". You can't though. It's just another tube of Jaffa Cakes. Smile and say thank-you. You are a horrible person.

One day I will tell them all. I'll reveal my horrible secret, that for years I've been misleading them, that I have brazenly lied in their faces - that I do not love Jaffa Cakes. That I in fact hate them. I expect I shall be cast out as I should be, in a world that is almost exclusively filled to the brim with Jaffa Cake aficionados.

I'll give it one more year.

2 comments:

A Lauren to Herself said...

haha love it Katie, what are you like! My Dad gets a choccie orange every Christmas but I'm sure he's sick to the back teeth of em now x

Katie said...

:D Now come on Lauren, how could ANYONE get sick of chocolate oranges? hahaha

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