Sunday, 8 January 2012

Garden State

"Give a cunt a camera and he can be pretentious forever." - Nettofabulous
There are a lot of films I don't like. Admittedly, and somewhat shamefully, I don't watch a lot of films, but that's mainly because I nearly always have the misfortune of watching something truly terrible with somebody who later tells me that it's their absolute favourite.

Garden State is the perfect example of this.

I said earlier that I was going to write a list of all my least favourite films, and that Garden State would be on it twice. I wasn't kidding, it'd be like, number three and number eight. I hate it, but not as much as Dupree and Me or whatever the fuck it's called (fucking hell) and I'm sure there's some other film I walked out of the cinema on but to be honest, it's not that healthy to hold on to such strong feelings of violence. Let them go.

I remember watching Garden State with somebody who really did know about films. They liked it, but not a lot. They thought, appropriately enough, that I'd like it, and why wouldn't they? I was a 17/18 year old girl, I liked Scrubs (yeah, okay, you got me), it had Natalie Portman and at the time my favourite film was Leon (I hadn't seen Terminator 2 yet - look, we've had this discussion, I had a sheltered childhood) - it seemed like a good fit. Oh how wrong we were.

I ended up watching it until the credits finished just in case there was a paragraph on how I'd been tricked into watching a joke film. That's how terrible I thought it was. You can say all you like about me not knowing about films due to my penchant for action, but you'd be wrong. If you're fooled by shots of a slightly off-colour bright sunny suburban street filmed from the back of a truck, you can't tell me I'm an idiot when it comes to films. Wide shot of a particularly nice-looking garage door/front garden with a bike on the lawn with the sound of sprinklers on it? They did that in Napoleon Dynamite loads too. Even Tim and Eric do that, look:

It's not even that though. For a start I hate Zach Braff and his stupidly un-head-shaped head and his "Bluuuhhh, I forgot evvurfun" look on his stupid face where all his features are fighting for a moment in the spotlight like unloved children. Even forgoing Braff for a minute, this film makes me cringe my womb inside out. It's like talking to somebody who's obviously making things up to impress you. I hate it. What I hate more though, is that nearly every person I have been romantically "involved" with since has loved it, and has made the point on more than one occasion that the reason I don't like it is because I'm either an idiot, emotionally stunted, or that I'm a snob. A snob. I've seen Bender's Big Score six times.

Anyway, here are some tweets that prove it's not just me. It's mainly me, but it's not just me.
"Garden State represents so many things that I hate. One of those things is simply "the film Garden State"" - Laslo_Panaflex

"Garden SHITE more like. Hurhur." - Gingerspider

"Doesn't everyone dislike Garden State?  ...The message of the film is that everything will be fine if you find a pretty girl that likes The Shins, or something. " - RopesToInfinity

"I'd contribute, but that film sucks so much life from me just thinking about it, I'm just lacking the energy right now." - playfullyjaded

"The [film's] message is "it's fine to be a total prick, you can scream into a hole and nobody will hit you". Lies." - Me
Oh, and by the way, I know it's a different film but plastic bags are not beautiful you fucking idiots. Get a grip.


Derrick said...

I like your included self portrait.

Katie said...

<3 <3

1. 4.
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