Wednesday, 8 February 2012

The Maltesers Facepalm

I really wanted some Maltesers, so I went to the shop.

I knew there was a sale on Maltesers because I had seen them earlier, but didn't buy any as they were gift boxes and thought that would be an extravagant purchase. But, here I am, craving Maltesers and all the while the half-price valentines chocolates are there. So I go in the shop and I'm all, "Wow, great offer on the maltesers!" in my head even though a) nobody cares what I do or think and b) nobody can tell that I'm pretending not to have already planned to buy the Maltesers in my head.

I walk over to the Maltesers and quickly pick up two boxes, because they are half price and so that means I can have two. That's how chocolate maths works.

Then I realise I've walked into a corner shop at about 7pm in a hoodie and baggy beanie hat just to buy two massive boxes of Maltesers.

I walk around the shop a bit even though I know there's nothing else I want to buy because I don't want to pick up two massive boxes of maltesers and go straight to the counter. That would be really weird.

All the while I'm aware of what I look like and I'm thinking "don't act like a stoner, don't act like a stoner, it's just Maltesers, you're not even a stoner, what are you getting paranoid about?"



I get into the queue and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I am so engrossed in reading the special offers and not looking at anyone that I don't hear the cashier call out "next" for who knows how long.

The queue behind me is fairly big.

I stumble over to the till and put my maltesers down. I wish to god I'd just picked up some juice, or some crisps or something, but there I am with my two massive half-price boxes of Maltesers and nothing else.

"Do you want a bag?"

I try and say "no thanks" but my mouth doesn't work. I'm too busy trying not to look them in the eye and am also still embarrassed from not hearing them call me over. Eventually I get my maltesers into my handbag (yeah I know, I'm cramming two massive boxes of special-edition confectionery into my  handbag, smooth), I put my card in the card machine and say no thanks to the offer of cashback. Well done, a normal transaction. Oh wait -

I take the card out when she asks me to put in my pin. Not only that, but I didn't even know I did it because I was on autopilot looking at the shiny cigarette display behind her and thinking about match factories (I saw how matches were made on "How It's Made" and now every time I see a box of matches I can't help but think of thousands of them on conveyor-belts, more or less obsolete, wondering why the whole factory doesn't explode every single day. It's really easy to distract me, is the point of this digression.)

"Excuse me...you took your card out. I need to do that again"

I take my purse out of my bag where there is barely any room because of the maltesers, and re-do the transaction. Die inside a bit.

Then I left the shop, and now I can't go back to that shop.

I am the most socially awkward penguin.

1 comment:

Simon Jenkin said...

One time I was buying a subway and when I tried to pull the fiver out of my pocket I realised it was in that stupid mini pocket above the pocket and it was stuck. I tried for what felt like 11 hours but was probably 2 minutes to get it out but couldn't. Eventually I said "nevermind, I'll just pay by card" only to pull my wallet out and realise I DIDN'T HAVE MY CARD. So I had to carry on trying to pull the fiver out of my pocket which I eventually managed to do. It's a wonder I'm not still there now, almost a year later.

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