Friday, 22 June 2012

Gary Barlow Is A Twat (Probably)

Gary Barlow is in the news for tax avoidance. Bloody everyone is in the papers or having snarky web designers make comments about them on Twitter for tax evasion at the moment, because people don't like it when rich folk don't pay their taxes. Why should they? We all have to pay them, it's unfair.

Gary Barlow is a good one though, because he's the sort of toff you want to dislike. My feelings for him have fluctuated over the years - at first I loathed him (as a 7 year old I used to make puke noises every time a Take That song came on the radio), then I decided as a pretentious teen that his songwriting was far superior to that of the usual pop balladeer. Then I forgot all about him; years later he showed up out of the blue on a talent show looking like an angular Nord with the steely, quietly violent eyes of a vengeance killer and subsequently I fancied him quite a lot (and even had a dream where we did it on the royal train out of Bollywood preposto-action romp Dhoom 2). Then I read loads about him being a massive Tory and went off him loads and now here we are.

"Oh come on, I said you *looked* fat, not that you *are* fat. You're being ridiculous you stupid pig." - Gary Barlow did not say this.


This morning, "Back For Good" came on the radio and I realised what an entitled bastard he truly is. Here is my analysis of one of the most popular 90s ballads ever, and what some people use (totally inapropriately) as their main wedding song.



I think what pisses me off the most is how he simply assumes they'll care about how sad he is. Note how he's not totally heartbroken, he's just a bit mopy. He hasn't done the washing up. He's clinging to the fact that deep down, he still thanks whatever happened is his ex-partner's fault.

The last line really gets me.

"I guess now it's time, that you came back for good".

Which in other words means: "Yes yes, you've made your point and I'm very sorry (for whatever it is I was supposed to have done that clearly you took totally out of context and made into a big deal for no reason), now why don't you take your silly head back to my place and I'll make it up to you with a Sharwoods Thai Green Curry and a £6.50 bottle of wine? Hm? Come on. I forgive you for being mad at me you little cutie." *moves remote control from beside him and pats sofa*

Am I projecting? Probably. Still, you see what I mean, eh? Eh? He's been a cunt all along, we were just blind to it because of the nice harmonies!

How many more popstars are actually horrific dickwads? Stay tuned.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

'Got a fist of pure emotion' (I'm going to hit you)

'In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free' (you're a filthy whore, come back here you filthy whore)

'We will never be uncovered again' (I've found a nice 24hr foundation that'll hide yer bruises when the curate comes round for tea)

'Unaware but underlined' (I'm a tosser, this is meaningless)

Stuart said...

There can't be many people who've had as much motive and opportunity to horribly murder Robbie Williams. All those years he spent around the prick, and Barlow just couldn't be bothered to put us all out of our misery by sticking a breadknife right into Robbie's gurning face.

What a twat.

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